Fuck Christmas

It being Christmas Eve and all, and considering the headlines in today's Times (AIDS orphans, Israelis, encephalopathy), I had an almost-compelling urge to quote the lyrics to the above song by the insightful troubadours of FEAR. The thing is, though, that song really kind of sucks. Here's an excerpt from a slightly better one, lyrically at least, that sums things up pretty well. (It's called "New York's Alright If You Like Saxophones.")

New York's alright if you like saxophones
New York's alright if you wanna get pushed in front of the subway
New York's alright if you like tuberculosis
New York's alright if you like art and jazz
New York's alright if you're a homosexual

Truly delightful. My boss literally just called me over after I pasted those lyrics to tell me they're giving me less than half the money they said they were going to -- a real Christmas miracle. It's not like I really, you know, "deserve" any of it anyway, although I would like some shitting, fucking overtime. Here's another selection from FEAR's catalogue, this time from what's probably their most popular piece, "I Love Livin' In The City:"

My house smells just like the zoo,
It's chock full of shit and puke!
Cockroaches on the walls
Crabs crawlin' on my balls!
Ohhh, but I'm so clean cut,
I just wanna fuck some sluts!

This guy Zeke who I used to know in high school called me last night to tell me that his band is back together and playing on Tuesday night. This band... I don't know, it's kind of peopled by people who make me feel pretty bad about myself, and to tell you the truth I was kind of glad when they (temporarily, I guess) broke up -- not least of all because they all seemed to be able to get their act together and get along with each other better than I did with the guys in my band. That makes me a bitter doofus, I know -- to the extent that I don't even feel like linking their web site. So I don't think I'm going to go to their show. SORRY.

Adbusters posted some stupid blurb about how the left is dead. You know, because everyone's a reactionary asshole these days. Well, sorry, Adbusters, I guess all the people you thought were "liberal" just didn't have the cojones to stick with it. "Well, you know, you can't just attack the U.S. and not expect us come and kick your fuckin' ass. I mean, I think of myself as 'liberal', but not when it comes to shit that affects me and my kids, because that is something you just do not do, dude. Execute Saddam!" Scoundrels; scumbags. Anyway, good luck selling your hideous anti-swoosh sneaker to ghetto families who are willing to go without health insurance so that they can have genuine Nike merchandise.

Let me leave you with one that's not by FEAR, it's by The Anti-Nowhere League of London, who are equally if not more profound lyricists. Peep:

I hate people
I hate the human race
I hate people
I hate your ugly face
I hate people
It's such a fucking mess
I hate people...
And I hate you!

I know a lot of people on the Interweb, some of them even having 'blogs, mind you, say they "hate people." Let me assure you that I really actually honestly do hate people, to the extent that I get diarrhea all the time and am pretty much always shaking with rage and unable to make friends. I mean, read the fucking paper for fuck's sake. But, you know, a New Year is upon us, so maybe we should all just hold hands and pray for a world in which our blessed precious baby baby-daddies are free from the temptations of sex, drugs, rock and roll music and modern poetry. Eat a dick cupcake.